Enjoy one of your favorite posts from the past until I return to entertain you!
And thank you for your loyal following.
After Eddie Avalos mortified me with the “hand farting incident” I spent the next several days thinking about what I had witnessed in my front yard:
He fell down on the grass, put his legs up in the air, grabbed a lighter from his pocket, and I watched in utter amazement, as he cut a huge fart, flicked the lighter and suddenly shot a huge blue flame out of his ass. Then he laughed like a maniac and got up and ran away. It took me a moment to register what had happened. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
I really couldn’t stop thinking about the whole scientific dynamic of the situation and wondered… how many people knew about this and how many people actually participated in it?
I knew I was REALLY behind the times with the “blue dart” when my friend Christy, who would never be as crude as me even on her worst day, said to me, “Lighting farts on fire? Oh yeah… people were doing that all the time at the YMCA camp when I worked there.”
I wondered what it felt like.
A blue dart.
I wanted to explore it but… the only person I could ask how to do it was Eddie and I didn’t want him to find out what I was up to… as we have already confirmed… it was SO unGIRL-like and Eddie was just waiting to bait me again…
“You know when you lit your butt on fire the other day?” I asked as we lay on the bed one afternoon… doing the usual… watching cartoons.
“Yeah,” Eddie said, not really paying attention enthralled with something on the TV that was much more interesting then our conversation.
“Does it hurt?”
He looked at me suspiciously.
“Why?” he asked.
I pretended to pick my fingernail and act bored.
“It just looked like it did,” I mumbled.
“You have to wear Levi’s,” he said as he wiggled his little sock covered toes and patted his jeans. “Otherwise you’ll burn all the hair off your ass.”
I made a face.
I didn’t have a hairy ass… I hadn’t even considered the whole hairy ass thing but that really added another dimension to the story in my imagination… and of course I couldn’t tell him we were talking about my ass…
“Eeeeew” I said as I slapped him and went back to watching TV.
A few days later, my friend Margie and her daughter Lily were over at the house.
I told them both about the whole fart incident and then I said, “I want to try a blue dart.”
Margie seemed pleased.
“Do it,” she said and then giggled.
I was wearing jean overalls that day and so I figured that would be okay.
I dug around in a drawer and found a book of matches.
“You think it will work with matches?” I asked.
Margie and Lily both shrugged their shoulders… they were blue dart virgins just like me… we didn’t know what the hell to do.
I climbed up on the bed and tried to put my legs up like Eddie.
I stayed in position for what seemed like forever but I couldn’t make anything happen.
I felt sweaty and confused.
The pressure to perform was getting to me.
Lily was watching me like I was the Finale at the BEST circus sideshow in the world… and Margie was looking on with quite anticipation mixed with skepticism … not sure if I had the skill to pull this off.
Finally, I felt something going on and I tried to light a match and put it next to my jeans but as soon as my hand got close… I shook the match out and put my legs down.
“Do it!” Margie shouted… it was like I had my own personal blue dart cheerleader and I knew I couldn’t let her down.
I mustered my courage and threw my legs back up in the air.
“Go!” She squealed.
I lit a match, pushed hard and a GIANT fart shot out of my ass.
I put the match directly onto the gas blast and watched as a HUGE blue flame exploded skyward and seemed to brighten the room.
I was amazed by the sheer magnitude of the size of it.
Margie and Lily’s eyes grew into large saucer shaped circles… their mouths tiny ooooooh’s of disbelief and excitement.
I was just about to start laughing when I felt my butt get really hot… scary hot… my face changed from one of total amusement to complete horror.
I was so afraid that I was going to catch on fire or explode from the inside, that I actually panicked and pee’d all over myself believing I was putting out the flame.
I rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom, a large wet circle showing prominently on my crotch, crying as Lily and Margie laughed hysterically at my idiocy.
I slammed the bathroom door and sat on the toilet, my hands covering my face… laughing… as I listened to Lily and Margie giggling and going over the play by plays on the stellar entertainment I had just provided for them… quite pleased with the show.
I don’t think I ever told Eddie about this incident… but of course if he’s reading this… which I’m sure he is… he now knows.
I have never tried a blue dart since… I doubt I ever will again… but the sheer joy of doing something so taboo… breaking the “girl code” this time, by choice… left me feeling giddy with my accomplishment.
I had been married to my X for almost 20 years.
So…. when we divorced, I was a bit gun shy about dating.
I actually remember crying to my friends, “Who’s going to ever like me again?”
And I’d like to say that they patted my back and comforted me but they actually laughed at me and said, “Are you fucking serious?”
Divorce will do that to you.
It completely rocks your moral, spiritual, physical foundation and makes you think really crazy thoughts like: No one will ever like me again.
Most of us do.
It takes time, totally cliche but true, and distance and a fair amount of compassion and love.
My first long term dude after my X was Eddie.
We dated one year.
Eddie was a good first dude because he’s funny, down to earth and liked to do a lot of the same stupid things I liked to do:
Walk in the Nature Center
Lay around and watch South Park
Listen to music
and… believe it or not with all this laying around, eating and watching cartoons…
We both had a solid work ethic which kept us from killing each other by spending too much time together.
But the best thing about Eddie, was that he was like my junior high school boyfriend. Seriously… the way we played and hung out was like 7th grade summer.
I’m surprised I didn’t make him ride me around the neighborhood on the handlebars of his cruiser every night around 9 pm… before we had to rush home to beat our curfew and an inevitable grounding.
Eddie could get me to do things that only your junior high school boyfriend could do… And one day… Eddie actually got me to do something I thought I would NEVER do in front of a boy… fart. And… not only that… but actually fart on his hand.
He tricked me.
He knows he tricked me.
Believe me… I DON’T want to write this story but to not write it would mean that I was a complete FRAUD.
If you truly want to put your life out there in the world.. than you have to be HONEST about it and so… I must concede that Eddie Avalos was smart enough to trick me into farting on his hand and I feel like a totally idiot to this day for falling for it.
And if Eddie’s reading this right now… he’s laughing super hard and clapping his little hands because that’s what Eddie does when he thinks something is really funny.
So, Eddie and I were out in the front yard and he was showing off… he was running around on the grass and playing slap fight with me.
I was slapping back but he was quick.
He’d get in a good slap, run away laughing and when I would try to catch him, he would slap me again and run away.
Then, he fell down on the grass, put his legs up in the air, grabbed a lighter from his pocket, and I watched in utter amazement, as he cut a huge fart, flicked the lighter and suddenly shot a huge blue flame out of his ass. Then he laughed like a maniac and got up and ran away again.
It took me a moment to register what had happened.
I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
He was dancing in little circles, thinking he was super funny… when all of a sudden he came over to me and said, “Fart on my hand” and put his hand on my butt.
I slapped his hand away hard… mortified as I shouted, “NO! Girls don’t do that!”
He circled me again… doing some crazy little dance just to egg me on before he put his hand on my butt again and said, “Fart.”
I was slapping him with both hands now but it just made him laugh harder.
“Do it!” he shouted but I repeatedly refused I was NOT going to fart in front of a boy… NO WAY.
But Eddie, who knows me very well… said exactly what he needed to say to get me to take the bait.
“You are such a pussy,” he taunted. “You act like you would do anything… like you are so tough and look at you,” he began to do his little dance again, “You can’t even fart on my hand.”
I became suddenly determined to prove him wrong.
How dare he insinuate I was weak… not up to the task…. less than him because I was too embarrassed to do what he had just done with utter abandon.
I would show him.
Girls could fart just as good as boys.
I would fart on his hand.
The next time Eddie ran up to me, I waited until he put his hand on my butt and then I held my breath, pushed hard, felt something move, and then heard a small “bweeeep” before my fart vibrated across the palm of his hand.
It seemed for a moment that everything in the world stopped. Completely stopped.
I knew immediately that I had fallen into a trap and that there was no way I could have a “take back.”
I looked up and saw the shock and amusement register on Eddie’s face… his eyebrows actually bounced, his mouth turned into a sly smile and he ran away laughing as he squealed, “Oh my God! You’re a girl! You’re not supposed to fart on my hand! Girl’s don’t do that! I can’t believe you just farted on my hand! Eeeeeeew!”
Then he laughed, danced around some more, pretending to smell his hand while shouting, “Eeeeeew! My hand is ruined! You farted on my hand.”
He humilated me in the worse possible way.
First, by basically getting me to fall for the old fart on the hand trick and second, by tricking me into breaking the number one girl rule… don’t ever fart in front of a boy EVER.
I felt my face flush a hot red as I ran over and slapped Eddie as hard as I could, heard him screech “OUCH!” before I ran into the house TOTALLY embarassed.
A few moments later, he followed me in, jumped on my bed, threw his legs up in the air again and let another fart on fire, giggled like a madman before he kicked off his shoes and prepared to watch cartoons.
“Come on,” he said and patted the bed. “Don’t be such a baby… I was just messing with you. Come on, lie down now and watch cartoons with me.”
I tried to pout as I stomped my little feet over to my side of the bed and lay down next to him… my legs and arms crossed in silent protest.
We lay there a few moments… waiting for South Park to begin before Eddie smelled his hand one more time and giggled.
I ignored him…or tried to… pretending that I was just so engrossed in the cartoon that I couldn’t even see him… and I probably would have been able to manage that for awhile but in true Eddie form he waited until things were calm and then said, “Have you ever heard of a Dutch Oven?”
I didn’t even give him a look… I just reached over and gut punched him.
He curled up into a ball moaning and laughing and I knew that though I had gotten him back… I would never live down the day that I farted on Eddie Avalos’s hand.