This is Lexi.
Lexi is my daughter.
She is not gay although she is gay friendly and often looks like this…
Which often causes quite a stir in both the straight and gay community.
Lexi is what they call “a triple threat:”
Super good at putting people in their place.
And I’m of course… super proud of her.
Now Nana, is Lexi’s grandmother.
Nana likes to sit in the blue chair each day, watch old Turner Classic Movies on TNT, and comment on “The Gays.”
Nana supposedly loves “The Gays.”
She supports gay marriage.
She supports gay entertainment.
She supports gays in the military.
She smiles when “The Gays” come to the house and dote on her, often offering her boxes of chocolate and homemade pies whipped up from Martha Stewart’s “secret recipe.”
Oh Nana and her gays.
Now, I had never really had any doubts about my mom and her love for the gays.
She owned The Birdcage and watched it regularly.
She thought Tom Hanks totally nailed it in Philadelphia.
She loved Montgomery Cliff in, A Place in the Sun, and she was always so loving and kind with all of my gay friends.
Once, at Christmas, I had given my gay friend, Ryan Daniels a blow-up male porno doll as a joke, and sat him at the dining room table next to me, as I pretended to feed him candy canes when Nana, came down the stairs, pointed her angry finger towards the blow-up doll and said, “Get him out of here now. I hate that guy. He is super creepy.”
Ryan and I, worried we had finally pushed my mom over the edge, hurried to remove the offending plastic doll from the area when my mom stopped us by shouting, “Not him!” and we watched as her finger pointed to the next chair at the table. The chair where my new blow-up, life-sized Sponge Bob doll was seated. “That guy,” she said sternly. “He’s the one. Get him out! Get that creepy guy out of here right now.”
Ryan could not stop crying with laughter all the way through Christmas breakfast and way into the eggnog portion of the morning.
“Your mom is just so great,” he whispered. “God, I wish my parents had been okay with me being so openly gay.”
Lexi however was not fooled by my mother’s overtures.
She had a sinking suspicion that Nana might be a closet “phobe” and told me this one day in passing conversation, but I was sure that she was wrong.
“Are you?” Lexi demanded of me. “Are you really sure that Nana totally supports gays and lesbians?”
“Well yeah…” I said. “What about the blow-up doll at Christmas? Or how she loves The Birdcage? And remember how crazy she was for Greg Louganis? I mean, you were only a year old and she wanted to sign you up for diving so that you could be just like him.”
Lexi looked at me like I had just had a big drink of the Jim Jones Kool-aid.
“You, are completely delusional,” she said. “Watch this.”
I watched as Lexi removed her jacket and readied for battle.
I could see Nana, sitting in the blue recliner, her little bare feet up on the foot rest of the chair, her little toes wiggling in time to Robert Preston singing “76 Trombones” from The Music Man and I thought, You’re gonna lose this one little girl. I should have bet money. No way is Nana anti-gay.
Lexi pulled up one of the old wooden chairs from the dining room table close to Nana’s seat, and said, “Nana, can I talk to you for a minute. It’s super important.”
Nana pushed the mute button on the remote and turned to look at her favorite grand baby.
“What is it sweety?” she asked.
“Well Nana,” Lexi said. “You know, I’ve been looking for the right person to date for a long time now, and I finally found someone I really love.”
“Oh that’s nice,” Nana said and I saw her little toes start to wiggle once again, as if all was right in Nana’s world.
“Yes,” Lexi said as she cast a sideways glance towards me, an evil glint in her eye, and then she went for the kill. “Yes Nana,” she said. “My new girl is really beautiful and super smart and I can’t wait for you to meet her.”
“What did you just say?” My mom asked. Her toes now stopped and completely rigid.
“I said I’m in love with a girl. Yes Nana, I’m a lesbian.”
“WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!” My mom screamed at her. “YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN!”
Lexi stood up, grabbed Nana and gave her a big hug and kissed her before she said, “Come on Nana. You know I’m just teasing you. I’m not a lesbian. You know I like penis too much to be a lesbian.”
“That’s right!” Nana said as if she was listening to a testimonial in church and couldn’t wait to shout out her big “AMEN!”
Lexi walked over to me, grabbed a handful of peanut M & M’s from Nana’s candy dish before she popped one in her mouth, got really close to my face and then said, “See? I told ya.” Before she strutted out the back door with a loud obnoxious laugh that seemed to scream… “I got you so good” as she headed off to God knows where.
I can’t really tell you what I felt in that moment:
Shock that she had been right.
Amazement that my daughter actually said out loud to my mother that she liked penis too much and my mother “Amened” it with righteous glee.
Or that all this was taking place while I was listening to one of the gayiest of gay men, Robert Preston, sing songs from The Music Man, as it all went down under one roof.
I must admit… it was a little too much… even for me.
Just then my cell phone rang and I picked it up to hear Lexi cackling on the other end of the line.
“She’s gay friendly if it isn’t one of her own,” Lexi chortled. “It’s all fun and games until someone goes gay in the family.”
“Or brings home Spongebob,” I mumbled. “Don’t forget Spongebob.”
“Or Spongebob,” Lexi agreed.
I hung up the phone and went back to my room, to look at my Spongebob doll and ponder my mother’s tricky gay ways.