I don’t think people should be punished for having bladder issues.
But that is exactly what happened.
Annika, Dylan, Stroosma… all shaming me in the line of the Disneyland Matterhorn ride because I had to go pee super bad right before we were about to get in the bobsled.
“If you go now we’ll lose our place in line,” Dylan fussed.
“You’re tough,” Stroosma said. “You can hold it until the end.” Obviously… he was a teacher already exhausted from a long grad night… ready to hit this one last ride before cutting out, what was considered early, at 4 am.
“Ms. Wood,” Annika, my student, whined. “Come on! I don’t want to wait in line like two more hours again.”
“Alright,” I said… giving in… though my bladder was past the point of full… actually ready to balloon out as if I was hiding a boda bag of urine.
I stepped into the bobsled and sat in seat #4, considered the brake position in a real four-man sled, with Annika between my legs, Dylan, my son, in front of her, and Stroosma between his legs, in the first position as the “driver.”
“Don’t pee on me.” Annika laughed as she settled in, sure that her teacher would never do such a horribly nasty thing.
But she would live to regret those words.
I knew things were going to go terribly wrong when we hit the first stop in the track and I felt my whole body lurch forward and my bladder just about shake loose.
Oh my God… I thought to myself… I’m not going to be able to hold this pee. I’m seriously gonna lose it.
I felt my heart beat faster… and panic set in.
If I pee’d my pants and actually urinated on a student… I would NEVER be able to live the moment down.
I tried to wave to the ride operator, ready to beg for him to let me out of the sled, but it was too late.
We glided into the cavern of man-made rock and began our ascent up the track to the top of the Matterhorn and each click, click, click of the sled chugging up the rail… seemed like the sound of a time bomb ticking:
Go!… tick tick tick… Go! tick tick tick… Pee! tick tick tick…. Pee!… the track beckoning me to give in.
I worked to give myself a pep talk.
You can do it, I said. Just a few minutes and you can get off this ride and pee.
I even thought that this might be a good time to practice those Kegel exercises I’d been putting off for years, when suddenly, I came up with a brilliant master plan.
“QUICK Annika!” I shouted. “Let me put both my legs on one side of you.”
Annika turned around and looked at me as if I were a demented stranger. She couldn’t even imagine Ms. Wood EVER putting a child in peril during an amusement ride.
“Are you out of your mind?” She screeched. “Ms. Wood! You can’t do that in the middle of the ride. We could be hurt! And you’re a teacher,” she snapped. “YOU should know bet…”
But she didn’t have a chance to finish her scolding and I didn’t have a chance to cross my legs and close them tight.
Stroosma and Dylan began to scream, Annika threw her arms up into the air and wailed wildly with joy, and I knew that in a matter of seconds I was going to decimate everyone in the entire bobsled with a long stream of urine.
I tried not to scream as we rocketed down the hill but as soon as the first abominable snowman popped out and scared me from his perch…I screamed bloody murder and the peeing began.
Annika was so engrossed in the moment that at first she had no idea that I was actually peeing all over her.
She screamed and squealed with glee until we hit a calm curve and catching her breath looked around before saying, “Wow. I really got wet.”
Stroosma grabbed the edges of the sled and turned back to look at me as if I were Judas. “You are NOT peeing on us are YOU?”
My face full of shame and betrayal… he knew immediately I was.
“It’s just water!” I lied. “I swear! Just water from the ride!”
“STOP IT!” He shouted. “STOP NOW!”
And then we hit the next big drop as we all screamed like mad.
My peeing escalated.
It was now a violent river rushing forward at an alarming rate.
“STOP PEEING MS. WOOD!” Annika shouted. “STOP!”
But I couldn’t.
We hit a drop and screamed again.
By this time… I was laughing so hard and screaming so loud… Stroosma’s yaking GUFFAW punctuating the moment as we barreled down the mountain… Dylan holding on for dear life screaming, “STOP MAMA! STOP!” as my urine saturated my jeans, rushed out towards Annika, and flooded the bobsled floor.
I began to cry and curse my lot in life.
Why hadn’t I thought to wear an adult diaper?
Sure I was only 40-years-old but maybe the battle of old age was won by building reinforcements early.
I had a quiet epiphany:
If I had truly been smart… I could have been peeing and shitting myself comfortably right now in my adult diaper, while totally enjoying the ride.
“Noooooooooooooo!” Annika cried as we hit the last big turn… Stroosma still hysterical… Dylan disgusted by the entire episode.
And then the ride came to a stop.
“How could you do that?” Annika turned around and screamed at me. “How could you Ms. Wood!”
I sat in silence… my arms crossed… my brows knitted into an angry frown… pouting over the fact that they wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom…. furious at my idiocy for not thinking of wearing the adult diaper sooner… and distraught that I would have to walk the full mile to the exit with my pee-pee jeans rubbing and rashing my legs, while all of the grad students pointed and mocked me.
“Fuck you all,” I whispered. “If you would have just let me go to the bathroom, none of this would have ever happened.”
I climbed out of the sled, pulled my sweatshirt roughly over my head, wrapped it around my soaking butt, and stomped off towards Main Street: a dirty mess trapped in the Happiest Fucking Place on Earth.