In high school, I was notorious:
Always up for a dare.
Always up for a brawl.
Ditch a class? Steal a car?
Sure… why not.
I was bored.
A punk rock gangster trapped in the “gifted” program with a bunch of other Mensa maniacs.
But I swear… there was one girl that I HATED to stand up to and that was my friend; Karen Smith.
It was no surprise that Karen and I became friends: she was street-smart, a brawler, a trouble-maker, a punk rock All-American beauty.
Captain of the Girl’s Swim Team.
On the record board for her stellar backstroke time (a record that actually stood well into the 90’s).
Great at just about everything.
She had giant shoulders, a big blonde high school Rosie the Riveter.
When a girl tried to stand up to Karen, she knocked them down without a second thought.
She looked so sweet: her big blue eyes, her tanned skin, sprinkle of freckles across her nose and then she laid them out: A cherubic angel with a bad ass right hook.
It was terrifying.
I never got into it with Karen.
Smart enough to make her think I wouldn’t fold.
Smart enough to always play it cool.
And although she was more brawn than brain, she knew enough to know that she shouldn’t underestimate my abilities as a worthy adversary…
I stayed a bit standoffish… and acted worldly… as we formed a bond of understanding and silent admiration that was dusted with a fine layer of mutal fear.
She would push me every once in awhile, usually to beat someone up for some ridiculous reason:
She stepped on your shoe… beat the shit out of her.
You gonna let her walk in front of you like that? Punch her in the back of the neck.
I got in the habit of rolling my eyes, shaking my head, acting as if I was way too cool to waste my time on something so trivial but I knew there would be a moment when I would have to stand up or she would see it as a weakness and might use it to take me down from an equal to a follower.
I had no idea at that time, that I would win the war by peeing out of her car window.
We were driving home from a gig one night: Karen and me, driver and shotgun, and three other girls wedged tightly into the back seat of her small fastback puke green Datsun.
We were a bit giddy really… stoked that our horrific fake ID’s had served us well once again and got us into a 21 and over show for The Damned, one of our all-time favorite bands.
We were full of stories about our night out… laughing, happy, ready to make it to the closest Naugles for a late night order of greasy nachos.
Karen was driving like a maniac down the empty street, probably trying to scare us all with her wicked show of speed, when I asked her to pull over so that I could go pee.
“I’m not stopping,” she said as she flipped a glare at me and accelerated the car.
“Karen, come on,” I laughed. “It’s still like fifteen minutes to Naugles. Pull over so I can go pee.”
She accelerated again.
“You have to pee so fucking bad,” she said. “Then hang your ass out of the window and go.”
The girls in the backseat stopped giggling.
The car grew silent.
Anyone with half a brain could see there was a brawl about to go down.
If I gave in… pathetically sitting in the car with my legs crossed… waiting to go to the bathroom… Karen would win.
I would be nothing more to her than one of her other flunkies currently sitting in the backseat.
And so… I did what I had to do: I took her dare, rolled down the window, lifted up my skirt, pulled down my panties, and hung my bare white ass out of the car.
I heard the girls cackling at me from the backseat… sure that Karen had just thought up the best way to humiliate me and anxious to show their loyalty as minions in her army.
Little did they know… none of them would be laughing for long.
I felt the ice cold wind blow against my naked butt cheeks and thought for a moment that I wouldn’t be able to make myself go… but then I adjusted to the night air, and felt the urgency to urinate return with a vengeance.
I smiled a sinister smile at Karen who was looking smug in her warm driver’s seat as she tapped the gas and the brake intermittently to see if she could shake my concentration or scare me into giving up.
It didn’t work.
I knew then that all of my years in the gifted program were about to pay off.
That today…. brain would really win out over brawn and that this would be a lesson Karen would never forget.
I released my bladder completely and watched as the aerodynamic lift of the wind blew the hot stream of urine back into the window and throughout the entire car, saturating all of the girls in the back seat whose giggles soon turned to screams of disgust, hands over their faces, knees pulled up to their chests, as they begged me to stop peeing on them.
I giggled as I continued my work… happy from my little perch on the window’s edge.
I watched, as they became drenched in it and Karen’s face change from one of smug self-righteousness to one of total shock: stunned that she had been stupid enough to set up her adversary for a chance at her total public annihilation.
She raced to roll down the driver’s side window in hopes that she could beat the speed of the urine.
I looked at her and laughed with glee, still peeing away.
She cranked that window as if she was trying to complete a 50 meter butterfly in under 20 seconds.
It was beautiful to behold.
I watched as my urine exited the car, out the other side, but not before a brilliant splash of gold nipped at Karen’s cheek.
It was just enough for me to see… not enough for the toadies in the backseat to witness… but Karen glanced over at me… worried that I had caught the humiliating moment from my perch and I had.
I smiled at her with a steely knowing grin… it was enough of a “look” to let her know she had been conquered.
It was up to me now to decide if I would push my hand… make her pay… demean her in front of the others.
I took my time.
I finished peeing and waited a moment longer as the wind dried my ass before pulling up my panties, pulling down my skirt, and dropping back down into the passenger seat.
I turned up the tape player and listened as The Damned’s “Smash It Up” blasted through the car.
I hummed along to the words enjoying the moans of disgust from the backseat and Karen’s total silence as she continued on to the Naugle’s hoping that I wouldn’t rat her out.
I let her sweat it all the way there.
We were just about to order from the drive-thru when I watched Karen break.
“That was fucking funny,” she said. “You guys are so bummed. I’m so glad I was in the front seat. Right D.D.?”
I looked at her… she looked at me… the pause was immense in it’s intensity…
If I outed her now… it would mean full scale war.
If I let her keep this bit of power… I would always have a hardcore brawler as my second-in-command.
“Yep,” I said, big smile on my face. “bumming.”
We ordered our food.
The girls in the back clamoring for extra napkins at the drive-thru window, Karen gabbing away excitedly as she told the story for the rest of the ride home… again and again, and me now smug in my own self-righteousness, blissfully content and urine free.
Christonabike, DD, I’m sat at a sushi bar by myself reading this, maniacally laughing out loud, nearly pissing myself! Brilliant!
I love when I get notes from people that tell me they are in public places by themselves laughing like maniacs…. it makes me really happy……. 🙂 Hope you are well! xoxoxo
Moral of the story …”Never pee out the window “..
Well, I enjoyed it! 🙂
It’s a good thing no one can hear me laughing, if I’d tell my mum what I’m reading she’d, uh, better not go there 🙂
ha! Not one of my better moments but definitely one of my funniest. 😉 D.